It is never what you expect...

Preconceived notions about people will always disappoint you. I am never what anyone expects. I know because I hear it all the time. “You are not who I imagined you to be.” That is a statement I have heard over and over throughout my life. I guess I have grown numb to the disappointed looks from the people who have imagined me different.

One friend admitted to me, that when he first heard my name Dickey Bill Wagner, he had pictured a big hairy guy coming down from the mountains to stake a claim in comedy. He had built the mountain man prospector up in his mind so much, that when we were introduced, he said “You’re not Dickey Bill…are you?” I didn’t know why but it was there; I saw the disappointment. Sorry Bud.

I got set up with a woman for a blind date. We had talked on the phone and never discussed our physical descriptions. We were going to leave for the date from my office. I was at the front desk when she asked the receptionist to see me. The receptionist said that I was right here. I smiled because she was hot. I saw it, the look. She recovered quickly and we had a fun evening. Later I did ask about me being there at the front desk. She told me that she imagined I was black. I felt the pressure about that when it was time to have sex…I’m not black, I’m sorry.

I’ve been told I was shorter, taller, fatter, and skinnier than what they thought from hearing my name. I guess I could have been a smack down pro-wrestler or a southern rock band guitarist or even an insurance salesman. From the imagination of others I have become one big let down. Once again I apologize.

That is a lot of pressure. However I do understand preconceived notions because I have them too. I hear a voice on the phone and I try to imagine what that person looks like. More often than not I am wrong. I know this and expect it. People build up an idea until it is now their new reality. When their reality meets the truth, it’s always my fault that now things ain’t quite right.

Its okay, I numb remember? I have grown accustomed to disappointing everyone. My friends, my family, yes even my mother has had delusions as to who I am. When she found out the truth she instantly denied it and went right back believing that her boy Dickey Bill Wagner was going to be a Baptist minister. She said she really likes the sound of Reverend Dickey Bill Wagner. I do too, but I just don’t think there is enough grace in the world to fix that incident in New Orleans. Sorry Mom.

There you have it. Things are never what you expect them to be. Be careful when your imagination starts working overtime. I just don’t want you to be disappointed too.

Who Smells Like Cheese?

It is often said that body odor smells like cheese, strong smelly stinky cheese. Most people in the USA would find the smell offensive. Yet there is a minority of people who find people who smell like cheese very attractive. Other cultures base their sexual prowess on the fact that they smell like cheese.

It is rumored that the French smell like limburger cheese. I don’t how accurate that statement is. I have never had the opportunity to sniff a French citizen. Still it’s plausible because the women have hairy armpits. Not that hairy armpits cause the cheesy smell, but it doesn’t hurt. Hairy or not, the French have a pretty good reputation as lovers.

I once met a group of people from the Middle East. They had the brightest smiles. They smelled like a cheese factory. Living in the desert where water is precious. You learn to like the musky smell of cheese. I don’t judge. It doesn’t matter to me if someone smells like cheese. I’ll just open a window.

The problem I’ve seen is the person who likes the smell. I’m not just talking like…People who smell like cheese create an olfactory euphoria that leads to an increased libido. These people get turned on by passing homeless people, they just can’t help it. The smell of cheese is a sensual experience. Imagine meeting someone special that smells better than Bleu. The cheesy smelling person has responded warmly to your attention and a relationship blossoms. Soon friends and family stop inviting you to functions. They never have time to visit anymore.

The situation puzzles you, then you hear a comment on the bus. “My God did something die in here?” You think to yourself; hmmm not everyone likes people who smell like cheese. That’s good thinking!

However you do have options. The old saying “When in Rome…” applies here. You can move to Pakistan or India. Different cheesy smells but every bit as potent as the laundry room at the mission. Everyday you can breathe in the heady odor of a population that smells like cheese! If you live in the USA, your partner is going to have to clean up once in a while. Just so you can visit the family. You can join or start a support group. With social networks and craigslist it’s never been easier to do.

Many times people do not understand a person who lives their dream. It happens all the time. Did people question Alexander the Great when Greece just wasn’t enough for him, He wanted the whole world? You bet they did. And people will question you regarding your love for people who smell like cheese. Understand that only fellow cheese lovers will accept you with open arms. Everyone else will be holding their breath. Be true to yourself and do what it takes to get next to someone who smells like cheese.

Secrets of a Successful Panhandler!!

Happy Independence Day everyone! Invariably, someone always loses body parts on the 4th of July. “Hey what happened to Jim Bob?” “He blew his opposable thumbs off lighting the M80 Atomic Blow.” Uncle Al said. “I know he is going to be pissed because he just signed up for unlimited texting.” Try to have a safe holiday!

But before you rush off let me tell you about an incredible offer available. Dickey Bill Wagner is teaching you all the secrets in his two day intensive workshop; Secrets of a successful panhandler. As a former Banker, Dickey Bill Wagner asked for money everyday. Now he is taking those skills to the streets.

At the workshop you will learn:
• How to apply the rule- Location Location Location
• The power words you MUST misspell to create cash flow
• Never park your Lexus on the same corner you hold your sign

For just a few dollars more you can receive the gold membership, which includes a starter kit (sharpee and piece of cardboard) and a copy of my bestselling book Who Smells like Cheese? Wait there is more! We will offer a door prize for a complete makeover and a complimentary audit of the class Profit through powerful presentation, the art of looking pitiful.

Testimonial: Chik Fil A Cow Sign Holder and former CEO Washington Mutual Bank
After attending Dickey Bill’s Workshop, I saw profits my next day on the corner. It was my professionalism in panhandling that got me the Chik Fil A gig. Thanks Dickey Bill you changed my life.

You are welcome! And so are you. If you’re still reading this and you need a career, then let me help you jump start your earnings.

Queen of the Jungle

Hollywood does add artistic license to stories and they should. You can usually find the true story if you look close enough.I was pondering the story of Tarzan Lord of the Jungle. The King Gorilla weighed 800lbs. Tarzan at a buck-eighty is no match for that. It is totally obvious to me that Tarzan was not the Alpha male in the jungle. Hollywood always beefs up a story so that a homosexual man will become a sex symbol for the masses.

Yes I said I think Tarzan was a South African metro sexual gay man. He should have been called "Tarzan Queen of the Jungle". Come on, He lives with apes and he is perfectly manscaped. Nothing yells "freak" louder than a leather thong. I've seen them on Bourbon St, it screams "I'm a bad boy, please punish me."

I've even pondered the probability of Tarzan being molested by the bull gorilla's. Hmmm we as mankind have evolved from apes, and the men in our species will basically copulate with anything. Tarzan was raised in the fashion of being the new guy in a Turkish prison. It's okay you got to do what you have to do to survive. Tarzan often traded favors for extra fruit.

Once Jane got him to New York, Tarzan got a job being a fashion editor for Cosmo. He is still a swinger. The ladies just love his fantastic fashion sense. It's funny Tarzan did his famous yell at a party but it sounded like the kickoff call for the Pride Parade.

"hheeeeyyYYEEEEYYYYYYeeeeyyeeeeee!"

He did that call and was immediately surrounded by the male models from Cosmo. At least that is how legend describes it. Now Tarzan is doing quite well, He has been on Oprah promoting his story; Survival in the jungle Quest for Equality. He has a condo in Manhatten and a shaved poodle that he dresses in a a leather thong. You can say eccentric I call it the circle of life.

Coffee...I love coffee

Hi my name is Dickey Bill and I am an addict. I am addicted to coffee. I know I am because I need to drink it just to feel normal. This is a strange idea to me, because I really don’t know what feeling normal is like. I drink coffee and I feel the warmth spread through out my body. Ahhh I am starting to relax…no I am starting to be stimulated into productive activity…wait coffee does both. It is a wonder drink.

That is what it is like for me to drink coffee; before I do I am a completely different person. I am not going to say “Good morning” to you. Because I don’t care, I am on a mission to caffeinate. I actually tried to quit, that was a mistake. I made it to eleven AM. I couldn’t function. I needed coffee just to go get coffee. Some things you just have to accept.

I do make my own coffee when I am desperate. For some reason, coffee from a coffee shop seems to taste better. Once my grandmother made me coffee and it was so good. The warmth was there but no relaxation and no stimulation. I was confused and lethargic. I looked in her cupboard for I was suspicious that something wasn’t right. There it was decaf coffee! What? Why would Grandma play this awful joke on me? She loves coffee too. She told me she had to drink decaf for medical reasons. Grandma is not a true addict. A true coffee addict drinks it regardless of the risk. Much like smokers smoke even though they are wearing oxygen masks.

I will never quit. Yes I do have a crazy obsessive devotion to coffee. It is my elixir of life. Coffee is my ambrosia that starts my day in the right direction. Regardless I am too weak to even want to quit. Parents warn your children, they are one sip away from having to drink coffee the rest of their lives.

Contest abound...I think I can beat a woman

I had a dream last night. I can’t tell if it is a sexist dream. It probably is, but because it was so unusual for me, I will describe it.

I was in a contest. I felt I was favored to win. A woman walks up to me carrying a shovel. She said “I brought this to bury you…I will win today.” I smile because I like her attitude. I am amused and excited by her brazen challenge. My thoughts are on me and my outstanding skill level. She obviously doesn’t know who I am or she would realize she has already lost.

As she stood with the posture of a champion, I hear Helen Reddy singing in the background. “I am strong…I am invincible…la la la.” Helen Reddy, really, what kind of dream is this? That is so cute, she wants to win.

I was beaten soundly by this arrogant bitch. Who does she think she is parading around here like that? I hate her, I do I hate her. No I don’t. I think I love her.

This dream has perplexed me. I never thought that I had gender issues. I still don't think I do. I have competed in different types of contests and I appreciate the contestants that are ‘in it to win it’. Man, woman or alien (yes even the illegal ones) have my respect when they compete with their best game.

I don’t think I would feel humiliation from being beaten by a woman. Unless the contest involved being manly. Being less manly than a woman would suck. I digress.

I believe the dreams lesson was in my focus. The woman was there to win and that is all she concentrated on. I was too busy judging her to concentrate on the task at hand. Hmmm. I also feel the woman in my dream represented a competitor that I could win against, especially if it was a fighting contest. Then again, anything can happen in a contest.

Yes it probably is sexist. Oh well it is good to be the king at least in my dreams.

Evolution of a Joke

I love performing stand up comedy. I know immediately how I am doing. When I have a connection with the audience, everybody laughs including me. If I am off, I know by the blank stares, that something needs to improve. The best comedians make there routines seem spontaneous and fresh and easy.

I will tell you how a joke for me generally evolves. It starts with an idea that strikes me as funny. Second step is to write a joke about that funny idea. Finally test the joke on an unsuspecting audience…much like you.

Funny ideas are everywhere. Most ideas can be delivered in a fashion that will make people laugh. Some ideas are distasteful and even offensive yet crowds of people will be close to tears from laughing so hard.

It is interesting to note that humor incorporates real pain as subjects for a joke. For example, I sustained massive injury and humiliation from a toddler’s toy. Injury plus humiliation equals pain. A thought occurred to me, Are toddler toys funny? It depends, do I think its funny when I reach for a cup late at night, my hip hits the alphabet toy. I hear G g…g…g…G is for Gorilla!!! It startles me every single time it happens, and it happens a lot. It’s kind of amusing but it gets better. I was startled so much that I knocked over some spices on the counter, as they were falling I stepped forward to catch the items rolling off the counter. I stepped onto a toy airplane that took off to the tune of; High and Low, High and Low, Engine starts and away we go. I hit my head on the floor and I am seeing stars. I reach up to try to stand back up and hit the Alphabet toy and I swear I hear; H h…h…h… H is for Help…and…Hospital.

Yes I do think that is humorous and it’s true. Bill Cosby says the true stories are always relatable to the audience. He can hold an audiences attention for two hours telling stories that are true for all of us.

I have an idea, now I need to write a joke about toddler toys. I will write the word toddler toys on a piece of paper. Then I will write all of my assumptions about toddler toys. Writing humor has to allow for assumptions. There is no need to describe elaborate setups, as we will think of different things when toddler toys is introduced but chances are they will be toys. One assumption that I listed was that these toys are safe. I wrote this…

Regarding my child, safety is my biggest priority. I trust Fisher Price…will kill me.

I love having new material. I feel like a professional when I am writing jokes. Even so, I need to tell this joke to an audience. Sometimes new jokes work well often they don’t. It is the feedback from the audience that dictates what happens to a joke. The audience laughs it stays. If they smile it needs work. If no laugh the joke will be; Okay cross that off the list.

There are a few shows that I participate in that I introduce new material. I record the routines and individually rate the jokes by the audience response. The response also helps me arrange the jokes for maximum entertainment.

This is my general process for writing and performing jokes. It starts with an idea. Next write a joke with plenty of room for assumptions. Then test the joke in a routine. The answer to the question that may be lingering in your mind is yes. Yes our conversation may become my best joke of the week. I always ask permission.

Let me close with thought that was generated at Noonshiners.
California is bankrupt…but I have a plan that will get them quickly from red to black…A 5% tax on silicone implants…it’s not a flat tax…