Contest abound...I think I can beat a woman

I had a dream last night. I can’t tell if it is a sexist dream. It probably is, but because it was so unusual for me, I will describe it.

I was in a contest. I felt I was favored to win. A woman walks up to me carrying a shovel. She said “I brought this to bury you…I will win today.” I smile because I like her attitude. I am amused and excited by her brazen challenge. My thoughts are on me and my outstanding skill level. She obviously doesn’t know who I am or she would realize she has already lost.

As she stood with the posture of a champion, I hear Helen Reddy singing in the background. “I am strong…I am invincible…la la la.” Helen Reddy, really, what kind of dream is this? That is so cute, she wants to win.

I was beaten soundly by this arrogant bitch. Who does she think she is parading around here like that? I hate her, I do I hate her. No I don’t. I think I love her.

This dream has perplexed me. I never thought that I had gender issues. I still don't think I do. I have competed in different types of contests and I appreciate the contestants that are ‘in it to win it’. Man, woman or alien (yes even the illegal ones) have my respect when they compete with their best game.

I don’t think I would feel humiliation from being beaten by a woman. Unless the contest involved being manly. Being less manly than a woman would suck. I digress.

I believe the dreams lesson was in my focus. The woman was there to win and that is all she concentrated on. I was too busy judging her to concentrate on the task at hand. Hmmm. I also feel the woman in my dream represented a competitor that I could win against, especially if it was a fighting contest. Then again, anything can happen in a contest.

Yes it probably is sexist. Oh well it is good to be the king at least in my dreams.

Evolution of a Joke

I love performing stand up comedy. I know immediately how I am doing. When I have a connection with the audience, everybody laughs including me. If I am off, I know by the blank stares, that something needs to improve. The best comedians make there routines seem spontaneous and fresh and easy.

I will tell you how a joke for me generally evolves. It starts with an idea that strikes me as funny. Second step is to write a joke about that funny idea. Finally test the joke on an unsuspecting audience…much like you.

Funny ideas are everywhere. Most ideas can be delivered in a fashion that will make people laugh. Some ideas are distasteful and even offensive yet crowds of people will be close to tears from laughing so hard.

It is interesting to note that humor incorporates real pain as subjects for a joke. For example, I sustained massive injury and humiliation from a toddler’s toy. Injury plus humiliation equals pain. A thought occurred to me, Are toddler toys funny? It depends, do I think its funny when I reach for a cup late at night, my hip hits the alphabet toy. I hear G g…g…g…G is for Gorilla!!! It startles me every single time it happens, and it happens a lot. It’s kind of amusing but it gets better. I was startled so much that I knocked over some spices on the counter, as they were falling I stepped forward to catch the items rolling off the counter. I stepped onto a toy airplane that took off to the tune of; High and Low, High and Low, Engine starts and away we go. I hit my head on the floor and I am seeing stars. I reach up to try to stand back up and hit the Alphabet toy and I swear I hear; H h…h…h… H is for Help…and…Hospital.

Yes I do think that is humorous and it’s true. Bill Cosby says the true stories are always relatable to the audience. He can hold an audiences attention for two hours telling stories that are true for all of us.

I have an idea, now I need to write a joke about toddler toys. I will write the word toddler toys on a piece of paper. Then I will write all of my assumptions about toddler toys. Writing humor has to allow for assumptions. There is no need to describe elaborate setups, as we will think of different things when toddler toys is introduced but chances are they will be toys. One assumption that I listed was that these toys are safe. I wrote this…

Regarding my child, safety is my biggest priority. I trust Fisher Price…will kill me.

I love having new material. I feel like a professional when I am writing jokes. Even so, I need to tell this joke to an audience. Sometimes new jokes work well often they don’t. It is the feedback from the audience that dictates what happens to a joke. The audience laughs it stays. If they smile it needs work. If no laugh the joke will be; Okay cross that off the list.

There are a few shows that I participate in that I introduce new material. I record the routines and individually rate the jokes by the audience response. The response also helps me arrange the jokes for maximum entertainment.

This is my general process for writing and performing jokes. It starts with an idea. Next write a joke with plenty of room for assumptions. Then test the joke in a routine. The answer to the question that may be lingering in your mind is yes. Yes our conversation may become my best joke of the week. I always ask permission.

Let me close with thought that was generated at Noonshiners.
California is bankrupt…but I have a plan that will get them quickly from red to black…A 5% tax on silicone implants…it’s not a flat tax…