Strange Magic

Magic happens when you cast a spell. The trick is to actually cast the spell. A lot of people consider the spells they would cast if they had the time. They are way to busy dealing with reality to try to work some magic.

You remember the book the Secret? I believe it was written by a magician. She cast a spell and manifested herself a nice payday. There is a big energy requirement to casting spells. In the case of the Secret, the spell was the book. The author put effort into writing a book. That energy paid off.

Sometimes spells need to be refined. Magic always happens when you cast a spell the form may not be readily identified. New spells may need practice to get the magical result that you intended. An example of this would be making a sales call with minimal preparation. If you are very lucky you will make a sale. You gain the magical result of experience. Reflecting back on the spell you cast, you realize you may need more information to create stronger magic.

You prepare more for the next sales call. The magical result from this was customer interest and more experience. As you cast this spell over and over again, the magical result yields sales. The sales will continue to grow as the magic grows stronger and more efficient. There are many ways to work magic. Repetition with focus on improvement will help create a magical flow that is too strong to ignore.

Athletes cast the same spells over and over again to reach a level of excellence that only a few experience. Their movements become magical. Some develop their capacity for strong magic to such a degree that they make impossible movements seem easy. They have worked the magic and now the magic is another form of expression for them.

I cast spells to grasp your attention and entertain you for a time with humorous points of view. Magic always happens when you cast spells. Sometimes I miss when I cast, and the magical result isn’t what I intended. Then there are times when the spells work and the moment becomes sublime as my intention has become a reality.

You want to be magical? Cast a spell.

Church? Really? Yeah...

Church…who needs it? Men do, that’s who. If you find your self single and in need of some companionship, church is a great place to meet the ladies. Church is one of the last places left that give men an advantage just for being men. I say use that advantage and start looking for your next girlfriend.

I know that church might not be compatible with your present lifestyle. It’s okay the more conflicted you are the more attracted the women will be to your vulnerability. Even unemployed, alcoholic deadbeat dads are getting action. You can too. If you follow a couple of guidelines, you can become the stallion of the third pew.

Arrive early and claim a spot in the middle of the church. You have to be seen. A new man in church is news that spreads like wild fire. The women know you’re there. Make it easy for them by being visible. Wear a red shirt and you will be eating lunch with one of the women that will seat themselves strategically next to you. You won’t even have to pay.

After announcements, there is a quick meet and greet. This is your time to shine. Don’t be stingy with the familiar touches. Ask a potential playmate to pray with you to get some alone time together. Just ask “Will you pray with me?” She can’t say no. When you do pray, make sure you hold hands. Trust me.

If you have followed these very simple steps you are well on your way to being asked to lunch after church. Go! This is the time when women will rationalize that it is the work of the Lord that brought you to church and now the Lord is using her to make you a better person. It will help a lot if you mention that you feel like God is leading you on an adventure. Could be true, but it doesn’t matter. You have now become an exciting new element in this woman’s life. That excitement leads to sex.

Your options are limited to the size of the church. Pick a large church with decent music and there will be ladies present. Good luck Gentlemen, I will see you next Sunday. I’ll be wearing red.

Stretching the truth

The verse John 8:32 from the Bible; “...You will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free” is true. But it's not because it is considered the infallible word of God. It is because it's a function of quantum physics.

Is there really an absolute truth? It is getting harder for me to believe that there is. If you ask three witnesses to a traffic accident what they saw, you will get three different truths.

Witness 1. “I saw the whole thing and this is exactly how it happened…”
Witness 2. “The yellow light was flashing…”
Witness 3. “…a flash of light! Looked like an Alien invasion…yeah…wow what was the question?”

Truth is like time…its relative. If we take the formulas from quantum physics and substitute truth for time in the equations; It may actually make the statement, “The check is in the mail” true. Regardless of whether you actually sent the check or not, it can be calculated to be probable that the check is in fact in the mail…and that’s good enough for me.

Truth can be scary; people will march straight to their death for their version of it. My God is bigger than your god…that’s why we all must die! I hate to see that guy coming. I know he’s bitter because no one invites him to fun parties.

Now that everything has a probability to be true, I can feel better about the truths the government and corporate moguls are saying. I don’t feel lied to anymore. BP thinks the spill is “bad” and the company “care” about the Gulf Shores. It’s true, only the words were changed to protect the innocent. Losing money is “bad” and we “care” about keeping cleanup costs down.

You have to “spin” it to win it. I can finally believe the politicians when they tell me. “These policies are in your best interest.” That means exactly the same thing as, “We are just making this up as we go. Hey let’s print some money!”

Truth can be manipulated and still be true. I am glad that no one ever lies to me anymore. Because now I know its true, it’s all true. And the truth has set me free.

Telephone Interview...

I’m single and I think it is because I am unemployed. Nothing attracts women faster than not being able to afford to date. I have been looking for a job for a while now. I did get a call last week for a telephone interview, while I was driving in rush hour traffic;

Dickey Bill: Hello

Lady from Human Resources: Dickey Bill Wagner I would like to ask you a couple of questions to try and qualify you for the position. First question, what makes you a good candidate for our company?

DB: I really enjoy meeting new people and helping them find solutions to make their life just a little bit easier… FUCK YOU ASSHOLE PICK A LANE! I have a strong work ethic and leadership skills.

LfHR: Okay…good tell me about a time that you had to put together a team and how did you motivate them?

DB: I am sensitive to different points of views…HEY DICKHEAD, I’M DRIVING HERE.JESUS WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE CHINA? ...I am really sensitive to international relations. I motivate my team through positive reinforcement. I THINK YOU NEED MY FOOT RIGHT IN YOUR ASS! C’MON!

LfHR: Very good! One last question Dickey Bill and we will be through, where do you see yourself in five years time?

DB: That’s an excellent question. I have charted out some challenging goals as part of my five year plan. I HOPE WE MAKE IT TO THE NEXT BLOCK BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MOOOVIINNG!!!! I am flexible and can multitask.

LfHR: That’s fine multitasking I got it. We will let you know soon what we decide. Bye

DB: Good bye…

They offered me the job! I was just what they were looking for a manager that sends mixed signals. We will see if it works out, the background check is always dicey. I can never escape that incident in New Orleans.

It is never what you expect...

Preconceived notions about people will always disappoint you. I am never what anyone expects. I know because I hear it all the time. “You are not who I imagined you to be.” That is a statement I have heard over and over throughout my life. I guess I have grown numb to the disappointed looks from the people who have imagined me different.

One friend admitted to me, that when he first heard my name Dickey Bill Wagner, he had pictured a big hairy guy coming down from the mountains to stake a claim in comedy. He had built the mountain man prospector up in his mind so much, that when we were introduced, he said “You’re not Dickey Bill…are you?” I didn’t know why but it was there; I saw the disappointment. Sorry Bud.

I got set up with a woman for a blind date. We had talked on the phone and never discussed our physical descriptions. We were going to leave for the date from my office. I was at the front desk when she asked the receptionist to see me. The receptionist said that I was right here. I smiled because she was hot. I saw it, the look. She recovered quickly and we had a fun evening. Later I did ask about me being there at the front desk. She told me that she imagined I was black. I felt the pressure about that when it was time to have sex…I’m not black, I’m sorry.

I’ve been told I was shorter, taller, fatter, and skinnier than what they thought from hearing my name. I guess I could have been a smack down pro-wrestler or a southern rock band guitarist or even an insurance salesman. From the imagination of others I have become one big let down. Once again I apologize.

That is a lot of pressure. However I do understand preconceived notions because I have them too. I hear a voice on the phone and I try to imagine what that person looks like. More often than not I am wrong. I know this and expect it. People build up an idea until it is now their new reality. When their reality meets the truth, it’s always my fault that now things ain’t quite right.

Its okay, I numb remember? I have grown accustomed to disappointing everyone. My friends, my family, yes even my mother has had delusions as to who I am. When she found out the truth she instantly denied it and went right back believing that her boy Dickey Bill Wagner was going to be a Baptist minister. She said she really likes the sound of Reverend Dickey Bill Wagner. I do too, but I just don’t think there is enough grace in the world to fix that incident in New Orleans. Sorry Mom.

There you have it. Things are never what you expect them to be. Be careful when your imagination starts working overtime. I just don’t want you to be disappointed too.

Who Smells Like Cheese?

It is often said that body odor smells like cheese, strong smelly stinky cheese. Most people in the USA would find the smell offensive. Yet there is a minority of people who find people who smell like cheese very attractive. Other cultures base their sexual prowess on the fact that they smell like cheese.

It is rumored that the French smell like limburger cheese. I don’t how accurate that statement is. I have never had the opportunity to sniff a French citizen. Still it’s plausible because the women have hairy armpits. Not that hairy armpits cause the cheesy smell, but it doesn’t hurt. Hairy or not, the French have a pretty good reputation as lovers.

I once met a group of people from the Middle East. They had the brightest smiles. They smelled like a cheese factory. Living in the desert where water is precious. You learn to like the musky smell of cheese. I don’t judge. It doesn’t matter to me if someone smells like cheese. I’ll just open a window.

The problem I’ve seen is the person who likes the smell. I’m not just talking like…People who smell like cheese create an olfactory euphoria that leads to an increased libido. These people get turned on by passing homeless people, they just can’t help it. The smell of cheese is a sensual experience. Imagine meeting someone special that smells better than Bleu. The cheesy smelling person has responded warmly to your attention and a relationship blossoms. Soon friends and family stop inviting you to functions. They never have time to visit anymore.

The situation puzzles you, then you hear a comment on the bus. “My God did something die in here?” You think to yourself; hmmm not everyone likes people who smell like cheese. That’s good thinking!

However you do have options. The old saying “When in Rome…” applies here. You can move to Pakistan or India. Different cheesy smells but every bit as potent as the laundry room at the mission. Everyday you can breathe in the heady odor of a population that smells like cheese! If you live in the USA, your partner is going to have to clean up once in a while. Just so you can visit the family. You can join or start a support group. With social networks and craigslist it’s never been easier to do.

Many times people do not understand a person who lives their dream. It happens all the time. Did people question Alexander the Great when Greece just wasn’t enough for him, He wanted the whole world? You bet they did. And people will question you regarding your love for people who smell like cheese. Understand that only fellow cheese lovers will accept you with open arms. Everyone else will be holding their breath. Be true to yourself and do what it takes to get next to someone who smells like cheese.

Secrets of a Successful Panhandler!!

Happy Independence Day everyone! Invariably, someone always loses body parts on the 4th of July. “Hey what happened to Jim Bob?” “He blew his opposable thumbs off lighting the M80 Atomic Blow.” Uncle Al said. “I know he is going to be pissed because he just signed up for unlimited texting.” Try to have a safe holiday!

But before you rush off let me tell you about an incredible offer available. Dickey Bill Wagner is teaching you all the secrets in his two day intensive workshop; Secrets of a successful panhandler. As a former Banker, Dickey Bill Wagner asked for money everyday. Now he is taking those skills to the streets.

At the workshop you will learn:
• How to apply the rule- Location Location Location
• The power words you MUST misspell to create cash flow
• Never park your Lexus on the same corner you hold your sign

For just a few dollars more you can receive the gold membership, which includes a starter kit (sharpee and piece of cardboard) and a copy of my bestselling book Who Smells like Cheese? Wait there is more! We will offer a door prize for a complete makeover and a complimentary audit of the class Profit through powerful presentation, the art of looking pitiful.

Testimonial: Chik Fil A Cow Sign Holder and former CEO Washington Mutual Bank
After attending Dickey Bill’s Workshop, I saw profits my next day on the corner. It was my professionalism in panhandling that got me the Chik Fil A gig. Thanks Dickey Bill you changed my life.

You are welcome! And so are you. If you’re still reading this and you need a career, then let me help you jump start your earnings.