Survival of the fittest...

You know I love Colorado. The idea of year round outdoor activities just fills me with warm and fuzzies. Don't get me wrong I am NOT going to participate in these activities, I just love the idea that I can. Especially this time of year, if your going to play in the Rockies wilderness then you better have survival skills.

I do not have survival skills. I was talked into hiking on a trail. I figure okay I am with people who have done this before and I am on a trail. How hard could it be?
After about one mile uphill, I was falling behind and breathing hard. I had to take a leak and I was feeling uneasy because I didn't see any port a potties. It's funny how fast water goes through you.

I spotted a cave and thought "Perfect now I'll get some relief." I was going good when I noticed I was pissing on a bear. He looked confused. Animals in this day and age are quite sophisticated. All of them have seen humans, after all this is the 21st century. Usually when animals see humans they say "Aww hell."

So I am pissing on this bear because I really had to go and I couldn't stop. He finally does his bear thing and ROOAARRS! That was all I needed to hear to start running. I headed downhill, I run faster that way. I ran for as long as I could. I didn't know it but the bear didn't chase me at all. He decided to go get cleaned up.

By the time I stopped running I was lost. "So this is how it happens." I thought. I remembered reading an article about the two main dangers of being lost in the wilderness without survival skills. The first danger is freezing by 3:00am and the second danger is getting eaten by raccoons. Really raccoons, mountain lions only eat people under 4'0" tall.

I figured there's no way I'm going to freeze to death because I am a good dancer. Dancing the way I do is hot! I use my hot moves and I'll make it through the night. About 2:00am and I am dancing the night away. About 2:50am mentally I am putting solid gold to shame but in reality I am moving in slow motion. My body stopped moving at 2:59am while I was in mid gyration, with my lips puckered to show my sexiness.

Now while I was trying to save my life with hot slow motion salsa dancing, a band of raccoons passed by. They were returning from a party at the lake and they had a serious case of the munchies. One of the raccoons said "Hey look, a human, what luck. Let's eat him." They started discussing how good the last person they found frozen in the woods tasted. Another raccoon shouted "I get his ass!" He ran up to me and bit me in the ass.

That was enough for me to jump up again and start running. I was screaming too. I ran about 100 yards when I reached a road. There was a Denny's right there. Lucky me My one survival skill saved my life. Man I can run. That is the last time I am going to the zoo.