The Cult of Personality

It's already ten days into 2010 and nobody has invited me to join a cult yet this year. I was close, I was invited to a dinner party. Sadly the folks were "normal" and presently were not involved with a cult. I asked. I am somewhat disappointed as I am regularly solicited to join.

Cult members like the fact that I am enthusiastic. They say to themselves, that I would make a fantastic addition to their membership roster. When someone in a cult recommends me, it says allot about the quality of people who are asked and do join. So cult members keep asking, I do appreciate it.

I wouldn't mind belonging to a cult. But I have discriminating tastes. For example, I cannot join a cult that requires celibacy. I made that rule when I was fifteen and it has been in my personal cult rules for decades. My mother brought home two women dressed in white sheets. This was the luckiest day of my life. Two women wearing togas in my living room. Usually I was trying to avoid my parents guests but today they had my complete attention.

Mother had invited these wandering apostles home for supper. They told their tales of faith, and the second coming of Jesus who had changed his name to Jerry the dessert guy. All I could think of was how I could belong to this cult where beautiful women travelled the land in sheets. I was ready when they mentioned the rules... Everyone had to be celibate. If there were some woman that needed a man Jerry took care of them but the men had a higher standard. I was heartbroken, they did ask "Are you ready little brother?" Sadly, I took my adolescent tumescence and turned away. I was unaware that that would be the first of many offers to join a cult.

I was asked to join the the folks down at Jones town, and the day I was going to leave I got asked to join the Unification church. So I passed on Jonestown (dodged a bullet on that one). I was about to join the 'moonies' when Heavens Gate left a flier on my door. Scientology, Mormons, Buddhists, Hare Krishnas, every time I was asked I had prior commitments and couldn't sign on.

They all had such wonderful opportunities I just couldn't decide. Presently I am leaning towards becoming a Rastafarian because I really like their fashion sense with the very cool hats. They are not going to ask you to drink poison Kool aid or stop you from exploring your sexuality. I just can't seem to grow dreadlocks and no one has even asked me if I want to join.

So maybe its a temporary slump or my enthusiastic aura is waning. Are there any quality cults that are looking to recruit new members? I have an open mind.