Stay away from the magazine racks!!!

I know you have heard of the magazine Cosmopolitan. Do you read Cosmo? Guys I don't judge because we really do need to know what we are up against. Every woman in the world reads Cosmopolitan. Even nuns read it. Women just want to know the nasty secrets to make a man insane.

Last year, there was an article written that caused me a bunch of trouble. The article was called 'five naughty secrets to make him crazy'. Women you need to realize the awesome power that comes from knowing these things and to approach using these techniques responsibly. My wife read that article and decided to give it a go. It was SECRET #3 that put me in a locked padded room for a 90 day observation at the State Psyche Hospital! I am released now because I meet the minimum requirements for safety and my health insurance sucks. It's been a long year, I've worked hard in therapy and I am now just starting to feel normal. Although, magazine racks still make me twitch.

I am still in therapy but I think it is time to quit. I can tell it isn't doing me any good anymore. Every week it is the same routine. I start opening up to my therapist telling her my problems. I tell her about the demons on my back weighing me down and about my deep dark perversions...All I hear is laughing. My therapist is laughing at me. Sure she is trying to hide it but the laughter breaks through in an uncontrollable fit.

"Doc, what's so funny?" I ask concerned that she might have heard me wrong. "Oh,mmm mmmmm nothing is hmmm funny. Please Dickey Bill just hold on...mmmm wait please, I tell you what, I'll (giggle) only charge you for a half hour." The doctor says as she turns away from me. I can see her biting her lip. It happens every week. My therapy bill has been cut in half but I can't see how her approach is helping me.

So I'll give it one more week. Remember a very wise comic book character once said, "With great power comes great responsibility." All I ask ladies and certain gentlemen (you know who you are), is to use the knowledge you get from Cosmopolitan magazine responsibly. Be sensitive to the psychological wounds that are inflicted from exploiting these secrets. You may miss the man you get locked up.

Survival of the fittest...

You know I love Colorado. The idea of year round outdoor activities just fills me with warm and fuzzies. Don't get me wrong I am NOT going to participate in these activities, I just love the idea that I can. Especially this time of year, if your going to play in the Rockies wilderness then you better have survival skills.

I do not have survival skills. I was talked into hiking on a trail. I figure okay I am with people who have done this before and I am on a trail. How hard could it be?
After about one mile uphill, I was falling behind and breathing hard. I had to take a leak and I was feeling uneasy because I didn't see any port a potties. It's funny how fast water goes through you.

I spotted a cave and thought "Perfect now I'll get some relief." I was going good when I noticed I was pissing on a bear. He looked confused. Animals in this day and age are quite sophisticated. All of them have seen humans, after all this is the 21st century. Usually when animals see humans they say "Aww hell."

So I am pissing on this bear because I really had to go and I couldn't stop. He finally does his bear thing and ROOAARRS! That was all I needed to hear to start running. I headed downhill, I run faster that way. I ran for as long as I could. I didn't know it but the bear didn't chase me at all. He decided to go get cleaned up.

By the time I stopped running I was lost. "So this is how it happens." I thought. I remembered reading an article about the two main dangers of being lost in the wilderness without survival skills. The first danger is freezing by 3:00am and the second danger is getting eaten by raccoons. Really raccoons, mountain lions only eat people under 4'0" tall.

I figured there's no way I'm going to freeze to death because I am a good dancer. Dancing the way I do is hot! I use my hot moves and I'll make it through the night. About 2:00am and I am dancing the night away. About 2:50am mentally I am putting solid gold to shame but in reality I am moving in slow motion. My body stopped moving at 2:59am while I was in mid gyration, with my lips puckered to show my sexiness.

Now while I was trying to save my life with hot slow motion salsa dancing, a band of raccoons passed by. They were returning from a party at the lake and they had a serious case of the munchies. One of the raccoons said "Hey look, a human, what luck. Let's eat him." They started discussing how good the last person they found frozen in the woods tasted. Another raccoon shouted "I get his ass!" He ran up to me and bit me in the ass.

That was enough for me to jump up again and start running. I was screaming too. I ran about 100 yards when I reached a road. There was a Denny's right there. Lucky me My one survival skill saved my life. Man I can run. That is the last time I am going to the zoo.

The Cult of Personality

It's already ten days into 2010 and nobody has invited me to join a cult yet this year. I was close, I was invited to a dinner party. Sadly the folks were "normal" and presently were not involved with a cult. I asked. I am somewhat disappointed as I am regularly solicited to join.

Cult members like the fact that I am enthusiastic. They say to themselves, that I would make a fantastic addition to their membership roster. When someone in a cult recommends me, it says allot about the quality of people who are asked and do join. So cult members keep asking, I do appreciate it.

I wouldn't mind belonging to a cult. But I have discriminating tastes. For example, I cannot join a cult that requires celibacy. I made that rule when I was fifteen and it has been in my personal cult rules for decades. My mother brought home two women dressed in white sheets. This was the luckiest day of my life. Two women wearing togas in my living room. Usually I was trying to avoid my parents guests but today they had my complete attention.

Mother had invited these wandering apostles home for supper. They told their tales of faith, and the second coming of Jesus who had changed his name to Jerry the dessert guy. All I could think of was how I could belong to this cult where beautiful women travelled the land in sheets. I was ready when they mentioned the rules... Everyone had to be celibate. If there were some woman that needed a man Jerry took care of them but the men had a higher standard. I was heartbroken, they did ask "Are you ready little brother?" Sadly, I took my adolescent tumescence and turned away. I was unaware that that would be the first of many offers to join a cult.

I was asked to join the the folks down at Jones town, and the day I was going to leave I got asked to join the Unification church. So I passed on Jonestown (dodged a bullet on that one). I was about to join the 'moonies' when Heavens Gate left a flier on my door. Scientology, Mormons, Buddhists, Hare Krishnas, every time I was asked I had prior commitments and couldn't sign on.

They all had such wonderful opportunities I just couldn't decide. Presently I am leaning towards becoming a Rastafarian because I really like their fashion sense with the very cool hats. They are not going to ask you to drink poison Kool aid or stop you from exploring your sexuality. I just can't seem to grow dreadlocks and no one has even asked me if I want to join.

So maybe its a temporary slump or my enthusiastic aura is waning. Are there any quality cults that are looking to recruit new members? I have an open mind.

Happy New Year

2010 and I'm excited! I came up with an ECO-friendly idea regarding my new years resolutions. I will recycle last years resolutions! They haven't changed at all. I have intense pressure to lose weight, stay sober and be more productive. because I want to be thin and wealthy. By recycling last years resolution I am proving to the world that I am doing my part to lower my carbon debt. If I keep this up, I may be sorting my trash soon.

I am trying to work out to jump start my weight loss. However the lines are long right now for the treadmills. So I have to stand behind someone with a large ass and watch them walk uphill jamming to 1940 showtunes. It's 6:00 am who has time for this? I know when its my turn, I start feeling a little uneasy and have the urge to keep looking back over my shoulder to see who's waiting on me. I always end up next to the petite woman who sets the treadmill at 10mph and proceeds to run 10 miles. My feelings have become a tapestry of paranoid inadequecy along with the physical strain of moving. It is no wonder why I usually workout once a year.

Eating right means eating smaller portions. If God did not want us to eat so much, He wouldn't have made yummy food. Don't you agree? I try to eat less and when I leave the table after one serving of yumminess, I don't feel happy, in fact I feel like I am denying myself such a simple pleasure that eating is no longer fun.

I've worked out and ate like an refuge from some starving country, now I feel like crap. I do know how to make a crappy feeling better, drink beer. That's right I have to self medicate because life is too short to feel like crap. Hmmmm maybe I should change my resolutions so I don't have to keep up this charade of self improvement.

My new resolution will be; I will be the best fat lazy drunken slob that I can be for 2010. Now that is something I can feel good about doing. It will put a damper on being ECO-friendly, but there is always next year.