Simple doesn't always mean easy...

Strange Magic

2010-08-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

Magic happens when you cast a spell. The trick is to actually cast the spell. A lot of people consider the spells they would cast if they had the time. They are way to busy dealing with reality to try to work some magic.

You remember the book the Secret? I believe it was written by a magician. She cast a spell and manifested herself a nice payday. There is a big energy requirement to casting spells. In the case of the Secret, the spell was the book. The author put effort into writing a book. That energy paid off.

Sometimes spells need to be refined. Magic always happens when you cast a spell the form may not be readily identified. New spells may need practice to get the magical result that you intended. An example of this would be making a sales call with minimal preparation. If you are very lucky you will make a sale. You gain the magical result of experience. Reflecting back on the spell you cast, you realize you may need more information to create stronger magic.

You prepare more for the next sales call. The magical result from this was customer interest and more experience. As you cast this spell over and over again, the magical result yields sales. The sales will continue to grow as the magic grows stronger and more efficient. There are many ways to work magic. Repetition with focus on improvement will help create a magical flow that is too strong to ignore.

Athletes cast the same spells over and over again to reach a level of excellence that only a few experience. Their movements become magical. Some develop their capacity for strong magic to such a degree that they make impossible movements seem easy. They have worked the magic and now the magic is another form of expression for them.

I cast spells to grasp your attention and entertain you for a time with humorous points of view. Magic always happens when you cast spells. Sometimes I miss when I cast, and the magical result isn’t what I intended. Then there are times when the spells work and the moment becomes sublime as my intention has become a reality.

You want to be magical? Cast a spell.

Church? Really? Yeah...

2010-07-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Church…who needs it? Men do, that’s who. If you find your self single and in need of some companionship, church is a great place to meet the ladies. Church is one of the last places left that give men an advantage just for being men. I say use that advantage and start looking for your next girlfriend.

I know that church might not be compatible with your present lifestyle. It’s okay the more conflicted you are the more attracted the women will be to your vulnerability. Even unemployed, alcoholic deadbeat dads are getting action. You can too. If you follow a couple of guidelines, you can become the stallion of the third pew.

Arrive early and claim a spot in the middle of the church. You have to be seen. A new man in church is news that spreads like wild fire. The women know you’re there. Make it easy for them by being visible. Wear a red shirt and you will be eating lunch with one of the women that will seat themselves strategically next to you. You won’t even have to pay.

After announcements, there is a quick meet and greet. This is your time to shine. Don’t be stingy with the familiar touches. Ask a potential playmate to pray with you to get some alone time together. Just ask “Will you pray with me?” She can’t say no. When you do pray, make sure you hold hands. Trust me.

If you have followed these very simple steps you are well on your way to being asked to lunch after church. Go! This is the time when women will rationalize that it is the work of the Lord that brought you to church and now the Lord is using her to make you a better person. It will help a lot if you mention that you feel like God is leading you on an adventure. Could be true, but it doesn’t matter. You have now become an exciting new element in this woman’s life. That excitement leads to sex.

Your options are limited to the size of the church. Pick a large church with decent music and there will be ladies present. Good luck Gentlemen, I will see you next Sunday. I’ll be wearing red.

Stretching the truth

2010-07-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

The verse John 8:32 from the Bible; “...You will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free” is true. But it's not because it is considered the infallible word of God. It is because it's a function of quantum physics.

Is there really an absolute truth? It is getting harder for me to believe that there is. If you ask three witnesses to a traffic accident what they saw, you will get three different truths.

Witness 1. “I saw the whole thing and this is exactly how it happened…”
Witness 2. “The yellow light was flashing…”
Witness 3. “…a flash of light! Looked like an Alien invasion…yeah…wow what was the question?”

Truth is like time…its relative. If we take the formulas from quantum physics and substitute truth for time in the equations; It may actually make the statement, “The check is in the mail” true. Regardless of whether you actually sent the check or not, it can be calculated to be probable that the check is in fact in the mail…and that’s good enough for me.

Truth can be scary; people will march straight to their death for their version of it. My God is bigger than your god…that’s why we all must die! I hate to see that guy coming. I know he’s bitter because no one invites him to fun parties.

Now that everything has a probability to be true, I can feel better about the truths the government and corporate moguls are saying. I don’t feel lied to anymore. BP thinks the spill is “bad” and the company “care” about the Gulf Shores. It’s true, only the words were changed to protect the innocent. Losing money is “bad” and we “care” about keeping cleanup costs down.

You have to “spin” it to win it. I can finally believe the politicians when they tell me. “These policies are in your best interest.” That means exactly the same thing as, “We are just making this up as we go. Hey let’s print some money!”

Truth can be manipulated and still be true. I am glad that no one ever lies to me anymore. Because now I know its true, it’s all true. And the truth has set me free.

Telephone Interview...

2010-07-08T03:15:00.000-07:00

I’m single and I think it is because I am unemployed. Nothing attracts women faster than not being able to afford to date. I have been looking for a job for a while now. I did get a call last week for a telephone interview, while I was driving in rush hour traffic;

Dickey Bill: Hello

Lady from Human Resources: Dickey Bill Wagner I would like to ask you a couple of questions to try and qualify you for the position. First question, what makes you a good candidate for our company?

DB: I really enjoy meeting new people and helping them find solutions to make their life just a little bit easier… FUCK YOU ASSHOLE PICK A LANE! I have a strong work ethic and leadership skills.

LfHR: Okay…good tell me about a time that you had to put together a team and how did you motivate them?

DB: I am sensitive to different points of views…HEY DICKHEAD, I’M DRIVING HERE.JESUS WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE CHINA? ...I am really sensitive to international relations. I motivate my team through positive reinforcement. I THINK YOU NEED MY FOOT RIGHT IN YOUR ASS! C’MON!

LfHR: Very good! One last question Dickey Bill and we will be through, where do you see yourself in five years time?

DB: That’s an excellent question. I have charted out some challenging goals as part of my five year plan. I HOPE WE MAKE IT TO THE NEXT BLOCK BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MOOOVIINNG!!!! I am flexible and can multitask.

LfHR: That’s fine multitasking I got it. We will let you know soon what we decide. Bye

DB: Good bye…

They offered me the job! I was just what they were looking for a manager that sends mixed signals. We will see if it works out, the background check is always dicey. I can never escape that incident in New Orleans.

It is never what you expect...

2010-07-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

Preconceived notions about people will always disappoint you. I am never what anyone expects. I know because I hear it all the time. “You are not who I imagined you to be.” That is a statement I have heard over and over throughout my life. I guess I have grown numb to the disappointed looks from the people who have imagined me different.

One friend admitted to me, that when he first heard my name Dickey Bill Wagner, he had pictured a big hairy guy coming down from the mountains to stake a claim in comedy. He had built the mountain man prospector up in his mind so much, that when we were introduced, he said “You’re not Dickey Bill…are you?” I didn’t know why but it was there; I saw the disappointment. Sorry Bud.

I got set up with a woman for a blind date. We had talked on the phone and never discussed our physical descriptions. We were going to leave for the date from my office. I was at the front desk when she asked the receptionist to see me. The receptionist said that I was right here. I smiled because she was hot. I saw it, the look. She recovered quickly and we had a fun evening. Later I did ask about me being there at the front desk. She told me that she imagined I was black. I felt the pressure about that when it was time to have sex…I’m not black, I’m sorry.

I’ve been told I was shorter, taller, fatter, and skinnier than what they thought from hearing my name. I guess I could have been a smack down pro-wrestler or a southern rock band guitarist or even an insurance salesman. From the imagination of others I have become one big let down. Once again I apologize.

That is a lot of pressure. However I do understand preconceived notions because I have them too. I hear a voice on the phone and I try to imagine what that person looks like. More often than not I am wrong. I know this and expect it. People build up an idea until it is now their new reality. When their reality meets the truth, it’s always my fault that now things ain’t quite right.

Its okay, I numb remember? I have grown accustomed to disappointing everyone. My friends, my family, yes even my mother has had delusions as to who I am. When she found out the truth she instantly denied it and went right back believing that her boy Dickey Bill Wagner was going to be a Baptist minister. She said she really likes the sound of Reverend Dickey Bill Wagner. I do too, but I just don’t think there is enough grace in the world to fix that incident in New Orleans. Sorry Mom.

There you have it. Things are never what you expect them to be. Be careful when your imagination starts working overtime. I just don’t want you to be disappointed too.

Who Smells Like Cheese?

2010-07-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

It is often said that body odor smells like cheese, strong smelly stinky cheese. Most people in the USA would find the smell offensive. Yet there is a minority of people who find people who smell like cheese very attractive. Other cultures base their sexual prowess on the fact that they smell like cheese.

It is rumored that the French smell like limburger cheese. I don’t how accurate that statement is. I have never had the opportunity to sniff a French citizen. Still it’s plausible because the women have hairy armpits. Not that hairy armpits cause the cheesy smell, but it doesn’t hurt. Hairy or not, the French have a pretty good reputation as lovers.

I once met a group of people from the Middle East. They had the brightest smiles. They smelled like a cheese factory. Living in the desert where water is precious. You learn to like the musky smell of cheese. I don’t judge. It doesn’t matter to me if someone smells like cheese. I’ll just open a window.

The problem I’ve seen is the person who likes the smell. I’m not just talking like…People who smell like cheese create an olfactory euphoria that leads to an increased libido. These people get turned on by passing homeless people, they just can’t help it. The smell of cheese is a sensual experience. Imagine meeting someone special that smells better than Bleu. The cheesy smelling person has responded warmly to your attention and a relationship blossoms. Soon friends and family stop inviting you to functions. They never have time to visit anymore.

The situation puzzles you, then you hear a comment on the bus. “My God did something die in here?” You think to yourself; hmmm not everyone likes people who smell like cheese. That’s good thinking!

However you do have options. The old saying “When in Rome…” applies here. You can move to Pakistan or India. Different cheesy smells but every bit as potent as the laundry room at the mission. Everyday you can breathe in the heady odor of a population that smells like cheese! If you live in the USA, your partner is going to have to clean up once in a while. Just so you can visit the family. You can join or start a support group. With social networks and craigslist it’s never been easier to do.

Many times people do not understand a person who lives their dream. It happens all the time. Did people question Alexander the Great when Greece just wasn’t enough for him, He wanted the whole world? You bet they did. And people will question you regarding your love for people who smell like cheese. Understand that only fellow cheese lovers will accept you with open arms. Everyone else will be holding their breath. Be true to yourself and do what it takes to get next to someone who smells like cheese.

Secrets of a Successful Panhandler!!

2010-07-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

Happy Independence Day everyone! Invariably, someone always loses body parts on the 4th of July. “Hey what happened to Jim Bob?” “He blew his opposable thumbs off lighting the M80 Atomic Blow.” Uncle Al said. “I know he is going to be pissed because he just signed up for unlimited texting.” Try to have a safe holiday!

But before you rush off let me tell you about an incredible offer available. Dickey Bill Wagner is teaching you all the secrets in his two day intensive workshop; Secrets of a successful panhandler. As a former Banker, Dickey Bill Wagner asked for money everyday. Now he is taking those skills to the streets.

At the workshop you will learn:
• How to apply the rule- Location Location Location
• The power words you MUST misspell to create cash flow
• Never park your Lexus on the same corner you hold your sign

For just a few dollars more you can receive the gold membership, which includes a starter kit (sharpee and piece of cardboard) and a copy of my bestselling book Who Smells like Cheese? Wait there is more! We will offer a door prize for a complete makeover and a complimentary audit of the class Profit through powerful presentation, the art of looking pitiful.

Testimonial: Chik Fil A Cow Sign Holder and former CEO Washington Mutual Bank
After attending Dickey Bill’s Workshop, I saw profits my next day on the corner. It was my professionalism in panhandling that got me the Chik Fil A gig. Thanks Dickey Bill you changed my life.

You are welcome! And so are you. If you’re still reading this and you need a career, then let me help you jump start your earnings.

Queen of the Jungle

2010-07-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

Hollywood does add artistic license to stories and they should. You can usually find the true story if you look close enough.I was pondering the story of Tarzan Lord of the Jungle. The King Gorilla weighed 800lbs. Tarzan at a buck-eighty is no match for that. It is totally obvious to me that Tarzan was not the Alpha male in the jungle. Hollywood always beefs up a story so that a homosexual man will become a sex symbol for the masses.

Yes I said I think Tarzan was a South African metro sexual gay man. He should have been called "Tarzan Queen of the Jungle". Come on, He lives with apes and he is perfectly manscaped. Nothing yells "freak" louder than a leather thong. I've seen them on Bourbon St, it screams "I'm a bad boy, please punish me."

I've even pondered the probability of Tarzan being molested by the bull gorilla's. Hmmm we as mankind have evolved from apes, and the men in our species will basically copulate with anything. Tarzan was raised in the fashion of being the new guy in a Turkish prison. It's okay you got to do what you have to do to survive. Tarzan often traded favors for extra fruit.

Once Jane got him to New York, Tarzan got a job being a fashion editor for Cosmo. He is still a swinger. The ladies just love his fantastic fashion sense. It's funny Tarzan did his famous yell at a party but it sounded like the kickoff call for the Pride Parade.

"hheeeeyyYYEEEEYYYYYYeeeeyyeeeeee!"

He did that call and was immediately surrounded by the male models from Cosmo. At least that is how legend describes it. Now Tarzan is doing quite well, He has been on Oprah promoting his story; Survival in the jungle Quest for Equality. He has a condo in Manhatten and a shaved poodle that he dresses in a a leather thong. You can say eccentric I call it the circle of life.

Coffee...I love coffee

2010-06-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

Hi my name is Dickey Bill and I am an addict. I am addicted to coffee. I know I am because I need to drink it just to feel normal. This is a strange idea to me, because I really don’t know what feeling normal is like. I drink coffee and I feel the warmth spread through out my body. Ahhh I am starting to relax…no I am starting to be stimulated into productive activity…wait coffee does both. It is a wonder drink.

That is what it is like for me to drink coffee; before I do I am a completely different person. I am not going to say “Good morning” to you. Because I don’t care, I am on a mission to caffeinate. I actually tried to quit, that was a mistake. I made it to eleven AM. I couldn’t function. I needed coffee just to go get coffee. Some things you just have to accept.

I do make my own coffee when I am desperate. For some reason, coffee from a coffee shop seems to taste better. Once my grandmother made me coffee and it was so good. The warmth was there but no relaxation and no stimulation. I was confused and lethargic. I looked in her cupboard for I was suspicious that something wasn’t right. There it was decaf coffee! What? Why would Grandma play this awful joke on me? She loves coffee too. She told me she had to drink decaf for medical reasons. Grandma is not a true addict. A true coffee addict drinks it regardless of the risk. Much like smokers smoke even though they are wearing oxygen masks.

I will never quit. Yes I do have a crazy obsessive devotion to coffee. It is my elixir of life. Coffee is my ambrosia that starts my day in the right direction. Regardless I am too weak to even want to quit. Parents warn your children, they are one sip away from having to drink coffee the rest of their lives.

Contest abound...I think I can beat a woman

2010-05-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night. I can’t tell if it is a sexist dream. It probably is, but because it was so unusual for me, I will describe it.

I was in a contest. I felt I was favored to win. A woman walks up to me carrying a shovel. She said “I brought this to bury you…I will win today.” I smile because I like her attitude. I am amused and excited by her brazen challenge. My thoughts are on me and my outstanding skill level. She obviously doesn’t know who I am or she would realize she has already lost.

As she stood with the posture of a champion, I hear Helen Reddy singing in the background. “I am strong…I am invincible…la la la.” Helen Reddy, really, what kind of dream is this? That is so cute, she wants to win.

I was beaten soundly by this arrogant bitch. Who does she think she is parading around here like that? I hate her, I do I hate her. No I don’t. I think I love her.

This dream has perplexed me. I never thought that I had gender issues. I still don't think I do. I have competed in different types of contests and I appreciate the contestants that are ‘in it to win it’. Man, woman or alien (yes even the illegal ones) have my respect when they compete with their best game.

I don’t think I would feel humiliation from being beaten by a woman. Unless the contest involved being manly. Being less manly than a woman would suck. I digress.

I believe the dreams lesson was in my focus. The woman was there to win and that is all she concentrated on. I was too busy judging her to concentrate on the task at hand. Hmmm. I also feel the woman in my dream represented a competitor that I could win against, especially if it was a fighting contest. Then again, anything can happen in a contest.

Yes it probably is sexist. Oh well it is good to be the king at least in my dreams.

Evolution of a Joke

2010-05-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

I love performing stand up comedy. I know immediately how I am doing. When I have a connection with the audience, everybody laughs including me. If I am off, I know by the blank stares, that something needs to improve. The best comedians make there routines seem spontaneous and fresh and easy.

I will tell you how a joke for me generally evolves. It starts with an idea that strikes me as funny. Second step is to write a joke about that funny idea. Finally test the joke on an unsuspecting audience…much like you.

Funny ideas are everywhere. Most ideas can be delivered in a fashion that will make people laugh. Some ideas are distasteful and even offensive yet crowds of people will be close to tears from laughing so hard.

It is interesting to note that humor incorporates real pain as subjects for a joke. For example, I sustained massive injury and humiliation from a toddler’s toy. Injury plus humiliation equals pain. A thought occurred to me, Are toddler toys funny? It depends, do I think its funny when I reach for a cup late at night, my hip hits the alphabet toy. I hear G g…g…g…G is for Gorilla!!! It startles me every single time it happens, and it happens a lot. It’s kind of amusing but it gets better. I was startled so much that I knocked over some spices on the counter, as they were falling I stepped forward to catch the items rolling off the counter. I stepped onto a toy airplane that took off to the tune of; High and Low, High and Low, Engine starts and away we go. I hit my head on the floor and I am seeing stars. I reach up to try to stand back up and hit the Alphabet toy and I swear I hear; H h…h…h… H is for Help…and…Hospital.

Yes I do think that is humorous and it’s true. Bill Cosby says the true stories are always relatable to the audience. He can hold an audiences attention for two hours telling stories that are true for all of us.

I have an idea, now I need to write a joke about toddler toys. I will write the word toddler toys on a piece of paper. Then I will write all of my assumptions about toddler toys. Writing humor has to allow for assumptions. There is no need to describe elaborate setups, as we will think of different things when toddler toys is introduced but chances are they will be toys. One assumption that I listed was that these toys are safe. I wrote this…

Regarding my child, safety is my biggest priority. I trust Fisher Price…will kill me.

I love having new material. I feel like a professional when I am writing jokes. Even so, I need to tell this joke to an audience. Sometimes new jokes work well often they don’t. It is the feedback from the audience that dictates what happens to a joke. The audience laughs it stays. If they smile it needs work. If no laugh the joke will be; Okay cross that off the list.

There are a few shows that I participate in that I introduce new material. I record the routines and individually rate the jokes by the audience response. The response also helps me arrange the jokes for maximum entertainment.

This is my general process for writing and performing jokes. It starts with an idea. Next write a joke with plenty of room for assumptions. Then test the joke in a routine. The answer to the question that may be lingering in your mind is yes. Yes our conversation may become my best joke of the week. I always ask permission.

Let me close with thought that was generated at Noonshiners.
California is bankrupt…but I have a plan that will get them quickly from red to black…A 5% tax on silicone implants…it’s not a flat tax…

Captain Pilot has a second job at Starbucks

2010-04-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

I have to fly to the east coast next week and I am feeling just a little bit nervous. I can’t help but worry about the pilot. Is he going to be alert and well rested? Chances are…no. This glamorous job that some men and woman have dreamed of since childhood doesn’t pay very well. In fact, I make more money holding a sign on a busy street corner than pilots do. They do have the benefit of mobility, but these folks usually have to take on a second job…to eat.

The problem with second jobs is that it makes you tired. I know. I had two jobs once and I slept through HellRaiser while on a date. I was always tired. My trepidation is reinforced by listening to one pilot’s conversation while we were boarding my last flight. “Man these babies’s can practically fly themselves. I’ll think I’ll crash…” If he said anything after CRASH, I didn’t hear it. Crash, in my opinion is a bad word to use in the aviation industry. A pilot saying it is just wrong. I was so jumpy on that flight that the other passengers thought I suffered Tourettes Syndrome. Every bump from turbulence had me hollering out “LOOORRD! I DON”T WANNA DIE!!!” Yes I was that guy.

What are the airlines thinking? It’s all about the almighty dollar bill. It’s not the airlines fault everyone is doing it. The most important jobs pay the least. Doctors will be catching up with pilots soon and that’s going to be strange seeing my doctor working in Starbucks after telling me to cut out my caffeine.

These people fly for the sheer love of doing it. That is what I hold onto when I am 35,000 feet in air moving fast through the sky. I am trusting that Captain Pilot is so into being a pilot, that he does a good job. I know he is tired. Hopefully the pilot’s second job is also Starbucks.

Those guys never need to sleep.

Pilots are professionals they should be able to make ends meet on the pay they get as a pilot. The only reason I even care is because I am in the plane with them. I want them well rested and alert not tired from bar tending until 2:00am and then hooking up with his sex buddy at 3:30am. Then Captain Pilot is right on time for the 6:00am flight to South Carolina.

Well the airlines have their priorities, hell they think flying through Ash from erupting volcanoes is perfectly safe. “Well…it’s probably worth the risk. If someone dies then we will know for sure.” Meanwhile “We need to be in the air to make money! That’s why we have insurance."

Next week I’m back in the air. Yes I am nervous, I will definitely avoid looking to see who the plane’s captain is.

They really need to loosen up...

2010-03-29T19:20:00.001-07:00

I tried yoga. I quickly found out that it was not for me. It wasn't just one thing that made yoga wrong for me, but a bunch of things that added up to...disaster. Yes I know yoga is supposed to be very good for me. Nothing says "good times" like stretching and twisting yourself into a human knot them trying to breathe. Sounds like fun if you're a masochist.

I needed to find out what all the hoopla was about with this form of physical fitness so I enrolled in a class.

Did you know that there is proper yoga etiquette when entering the class?

I didn't.

Apparently, it isn't polite to disturb anyone's inner peace. You just don't go up to the person sitting quietly in a lotus position and say enthusiastically, "HI! I'm DICKEY BILL WAGNER and this is my FIRST YOGA CLASS, I'M SO EXCITED!" All I heard was "shhhh!" from all corners of the room. (Awkward) Wow I hope yoga works because these people need to loosen up.

The workout starts simply enough then the instructor calls out the Eagle pose. Who named this pose? The yogi who invented the eagle pose must have had some imagination, because I didn't see an eagle there...maybe one that hit the ground at one hundred miles per hour. I started laughing at my wit, which created a tension in the room. Really why is everyone so uptight in yoga class?

The clincher that yoga was not for me was the standing bow pose. I pulled my leg up just a little to far and I felt a click. My body was locked up in this pose. The moment went really bad when I rolled full pose into four yoga students next to me. We were a pile of intertwined sweaty bodies. I would have enjoyed that if I wasn't still stuck in the standing bow pose. There I was howling in pain and really disrupting the inner peace of everyone present and most of the class next door. The yoga class was dismissed early with a lot of apologies from the instructor. The instructor tapped my solar plexus and all of a sudden my body released its pose.

I said "thanks" to the instructor and back-pedaled out the door with much embarrassment. I guess I wasn't meant to be a yogi.

I am so fired!!!

2010-03-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

Time keeps moving forward, regardless of how I feel about it. Physicist and Philosophers have created numerous theories about time. Some say time is an illusion others that it is relative on where you are at in the space time continuum. The term continuum implies continuity; an even paced movement where moments are connected. Hmmm then why am I missing segments of time? Why does the pace get faster and faster as I get older?

It has been over two weeks since I have posted a note on this blog. I vowed to myself that I would post weekly, I am so fired. I would have posted last week if I didn't have a flair up of OCD. That sprinkled with ADD is a recipe for lost time. I looked up and Voila a week was gone! I am so fired.

Physicist claim that time is relative to the observer and that large objects bend time and slow things down. That's why I hang out with fat people. Time moves slower for them. Do you know why New Orleans is called the Big Easy? Because fat people set the pace for time in Louisiana; okay fat people and alcohol.

That's nice but I live in Colorado, where people want to be fit and run road races like the Boulder Boulder. Time is moving so fast here that you do have to say Boulder twice to make sure you hear it once. Being lean and competitive guarantees time will speed up. There isn't enough time to speak in complete sentences, whew!

These examples are strong arguments towards the relativity of time. Energy, time, and mass are relative terms. So is good ole uncle Stanley. Yes uncle Stanley is a relative who doesn't believe in science because he is religious. Big bang for him is birthday sex.

Maybe if I was a physicist, I would learn how to control time without resorting to use my fat friends. I just feel so selfish when I do. Fun fact: guilt is relative too. Presently my options are limited so chances are you will see me with a large crowd. Time is on the move and I hate having to catch up.

Looking for some hair gel

2010-03-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a bad hair day? Me, I am having a bad hair life. I know it doesn't matter who cuts my hair. Because it always turns out the same. A big mess of wild hair that makes me look mentally unbalanced. This "wild hair" is a condition known as folliculitis flexomegaly.

This condition is highlighted by hair follicles that refuse to lie with the crowd. These follicles are individuals and have rebellious natures. They exist to go against the flow of what could be great looking hair. The other hair follicles see the great time that the "wild hairs" are having and want to party too. They start flexing in their own individual way and soon there is quite an event happening on top of my head.

I know when I am symptomatic people start looking at the top of my head when they speak with me. There are awkward looks as if they want to mention my hair but don't want to be impolite. Once at a job interview, I broke out in full blown folliculitis flexomegaly. "We love your credentials Dickey Bill, but just can't seem to get past your hair." Tell me me about it.

I haven't yet figured out how to make my look good. You know who made bad hair look good? Albert Einstein did. Even when his hair was combed it was out in the lunatic fringe. It looked like it could explode any second. Einstein didn't have my condition. No the reason his hair stood straight up was because he had a medium sized scalp stretched tightly over his extra large skull. This look added so much credibility to his musings of the space time continuum.

The best haircut I ever had was a mullet. I was cool then with my business up front and party in the back look. I think it is my responsibility to bring sexy back in the form of a mullet. I'll either look retro or be mistaken as a butch lesbian that coaches girl's softball.

I would shave my head, but I feel like I would go from badhair to bad head days. I guess part of my destiny calls for me to make people go "hmmm" when they glance at the top of my head. Hmmm what's with you hair?

The truth about Ostriches

2010-03-01T09:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes bad information can get you into trouble. The consequences from relying on bad information can be dangerous. My ultimate mission in life is public service and I know can help the public by debunking two outrageous myths regarding ostriches.
Myth #1. Ostriches deny their is trouble by hiding its head in the sand.
Myth #2. Ostriches make tasty burgers.

The urban legends surrounding Ostriches abound. Leaving behind confusion, in my case clouds of confusion. Ostriches do not hide their heads in the sand to avoid danger. The truth is that Ostriches are much too stupid to even recognize that they are in danger. Do you want to know why Ostriches eyes are so big? It is because there is room in their small heads for big eyes. Ostrich brains are smaller than its eyeball. That definately hinders cognitive thought.

Like any other normal person, I was never concerned with accurate information about ostriches. That is until I met an ostrich with a nasty disposition. I was strolling the campus of LSU (Geaux Tigers!) and I happened upon a nine foot tall ostrich. He was looking curiously at me with his enormous eyes.

I thought that the ostrich would consider me dangerous so I jumped up and down and hollered loudly to try and scare it. I expected the ostrich to run away and then I could laugh at my human superiority. He didn't move. I noticed his legs for the first time, they were massive. The ostrich then started swinging his head back and forth wildly. He stomped his gigantic ostrich feet on the ground. There was one thin strand of barbed wire separating us. He looked at me as if he was going to come through the wire and step on me.

My cleverness had backfired. I was now afraid and started backing away slowly. The ostrich got distracted at the complexity of the fence. I took that opportunity and ran away. I avoided being kicked around by a chicken on steroids because he was stupid. Whew that was a close one.

Speaking of chickens, some genius thought that ostrich was just another word for poultry. There are ostrich farms, I don't know if Tyson farm ostriches but they do a great job with chickens. I digress, ostriches are not poultry but they are edible. Since man will eat anything, why not ostriches? Because...Ostriches taste like crap! You bite into some ostrich meat and it is like having a mouthful of crap. That is definately not appealing to me. It must be an aquired taste. I don't want to have to work at enjoying food.

My certainty comes from the fact that I have sampled ostrich. My good friend invited the family over for a cook out. "I have ostrich burgers." He said with pride. "Oh really, let me see." I said. It was red meat and had the texture of ground beef. "Okay, I'll try it."

I took a bite of my ostrich burger excited by the new experience. There it was a mouthful of crap. I was grossed out. eeewwww! Judging by the looks on the faces of the other guests, we all seemed to be in agreement. No amount of condiments could hide that awful flavor. I ate a lot of potato salad.

Two myths about ostriches that are debunked. I hope you never need this information. However it is good to know just in case.

Ode to Ricky Bobby

2010-02-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

I've done allot of different jobs in my working life. Occasionally, someone will ask me, "Is there any job you haven't done?" I am always surprised by this question. Obviously I haven't done everything. I have never been a race car driver.

I think racing would suit me. It's not too complicated and that is a plus. I believe I am coordinated enough to drive a car. I mean come on, it's not typing. I like the cool racing suit, just wearing that would be exciting.

I went to my auto mechanic to get my car tuned up. I spent a small fortune making sure it was road ready. When I was paying the bill, the mechanic said proudly, "It's a RACE CAR now!"...Really? I immediatly went home and told my wife I was going to Alabama. "I am going to enter the Talledega 500." I told her. She rolled her eyes and said "Okay honey, I'll see you next week."

I have to say I am very disappointed in my auto mechanic. I arrived at the Speedway ready to enter and was promptly told to leave or they would call the police. It seems that I have been mislead and my gold Honda Civic was not a race car at all. That's okay, while driving back home to Colorado, I pretended I was in a RACE! I was gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles as I maneuvered through traffic. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins.

Everything was fine until I saw a 1972 Ford Pinto in the fast lane passing a line of cars on the right. It was smoking and the side mirror was hanging by a thread. I don't know how it was possible that it was going 90mph. A thought crossed my mind that whoever was driving that car was mentally impaired. Now it was dangerous. We were moving fast. With my cat like reflexes, I tapped my breaks to slow down. Pure reflexive genius in action.

I tried to be a race car driver and I was turned away. Perhaps my destiny is yet to reveal itself. I still have to say that Auto racing is a job I have not had.

She told me it was unisex.

2010-02-13T16:41:00.000-08:00

Last week I went shopping for a shirt. I had some functions to attend that required me to look my best and a new shirt would help. I don't like to browse and try on clothes when I shop. I want to get it over with as soon as possible and be on my way.

I walked into a clothing store and was greeted by a salesperson. "May I help you?" she inquired. "I am looking for a shirt." I blandly replied. She side stepped and produced a shirt seemingly as if she knew what I wanted all along. She held up the shirt and said, "I've got the shirt for you right here. It is the newest thing in fashion and what is really great is that it is unisex."

She handed me the shirt to examine. Oh it is lovely I thought. The fabric is incredibly soft and it is shiny. I like shiny things. "I don't know." I said holding the shirt up. I noticed that the shirt was my size. "I think you will look great in this shirt." the sales lady said. You know what, I believed her. I decided to try it on. It had an unusual cut to the material, it fit great and I noticed I looked slimmer in the mirror. The sales lady must have been one shirt away from a huge commission because she gushed all over about how good I looked. She was a true professional. I purchased the shirt.

Have you ever noticed when you buy a new car, you suddenly see that type of car everywhere? That is what I experienced with my new shirt, except I didn't see this shirt on one man, only very fashionably dressed women. Hmmmmm I wondered why my wife asked me why I was wearing her clothes. I wondered why the gay guy at work suddenly decided to hit on me. He told me exactly what he wanted to do to me. I was flattered.
I guess the unisex part of this style of shirt hasn't caught on yet. Wow I am on the front lines of a new trend. I'm glad too, because the shirt really makes me look good.

When the Saints come marchin' in...

2010-02-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

It is Mardis Gras season in New Orleans. Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulette! Especially this year when the Saints defeat the Colts tommorow. The party will be more than the usual madness and decadence. There will be an optimistic vibration resonating strongly with the celebration, the Big Easy way.

I think I should invest in some Superbowl Champion Beads with the Saints logo all over them, then take a road trip to New Orleans! Hoo yeah cher! The party will be off the hook. Millions of people will cram into the French Quarter to watch parades, drink excessively and reveal body parts usually left to imagination.

It brings me back to my first Mardis Gras celebration in the Big Easy. Along time ago when I was fourteen years old. I hitched a ride with a couple, ten years older than myself, but we hung out allot. My parents didn't have I clue I was there because they would not have let me go.

Someone threw me a beer from a balcony on Bourbon Street and the party began in earnest. I learned quickly that I could exchange beads for women exposing their titties. 'Wow' I remembered thinking 'I wish everyday could be Fat Tuesday'. I got really competent negotiating women to flash me for the sheer excitement of being naughty. I had run out of beads in about ten minutes.

"Show me your tits." "No" came an immediate reply. I asked her "If we were in a serious relationship you would show me, wouldn't you?" She thought for a moment then smiled and said "Of course." "I love you." I said back to her. She grinned big and pulled both breasts out and rubbed them on me. I had reached a new level in my life and there was no turning back.

Yes the Mardis Gras celebration is all about the good natured drunken nakedness for me. Yes I have earned allot of beads just to give them back. This year...when the Saints come marching in, oh Lord I want to be in that number. Who Dat? You know who it is. It is the New Orleans Saints and they are number one this year, GEAUX SAINTS!

Stay away from the magazine racks!!!

2010-01-25T21:06:00.000-08:00

I know you have heard of the magazine Cosmopolitan. Do you read Cosmo? Guys I don't judge because we really do need to know what we are up against. Every woman in the world reads Cosmopolitan. Even nuns read it. Women just want to know the nasty secrets to make a man insane.

Last year, there was an article written that caused me a bunch of trouble. The article was called 'five naughty secrets to make him crazy'. Women you need to realize the awesome power that comes from knowing these things and to approach using these techniques responsibly. My wife read that article and decided to give it a go. It was SECRET #3 that put me in a locked padded room for a 90 day observation at the State Psyche Hospital! I am released now because I meet the minimum requirements for safety and my health insurance sucks. It's been a long year, I've worked hard in therapy and I am now just starting to feel normal. Although, magazine racks still make me twitch.

I am still in therapy but I think it is time to quit. I can tell it isn't doing me any good anymore. Every week it is the same routine. I start opening up to my therapist telling her my problems. I tell her about the demons on my back weighing me down and about my deep dark perversions...All I hear is laughing. My therapist is laughing at me. Sure she is trying to hide it but the laughter breaks through in an uncontrollable fit.

"Doc, what's so funny?" I ask concerned that she might have heard me wrong. "Oh,mmm mmmmm nothing is hmmm funny. Please Dickey Bill just hold on...mmmm wait please, I tell you what, I'll (giggle) only charge you for a half hour." The doctor says as she turns away from me. I can see her biting her lip. It happens every week. My therapy bill has been cut in half but I can't see how her approach is helping me.

So I'll give it one more week. Remember a very wise comic book character once said, "With great power comes great responsibility." All I ask ladies and certain gentlemen (you know who you are), is to use the knowledge you get from Cosmopolitan magazine responsibly. Be sensitive to the psychological wounds that are inflicted from exploiting these secrets. You may miss the man you get locked up.

Survival of the fittest...

2010-01-16T18:53:00.000-08:00

You know I love Colorado. The idea of year round outdoor activities just fills me with warm and fuzzies. Don't get me wrong I am NOT going to participate in these activities, I just love the idea that I can. Especially this time of year, if your going to play in the Rockies wilderness then you better have survival skills.

I do not have survival skills. I was talked into hiking on a trail. I figure okay I am with people who have done this before and I am on a trail. How hard could it be?
After about one mile uphill, I was falling behind and breathing hard. I had to take a leak and I was feeling uneasy because I didn't see any port a potties. It's funny how fast water goes through you.

I spotted a cave and thought "Perfect now I'll get some relief." I was going good when I noticed I was pissing on a bear. He looked confused. Animals in this day and age are quite sophisticated. All of them have seen humans, after all this is the 21st century. Usually when animals see humans they say "Aww hell."

So I am pissing on this bear because I really had to go and I couldn't stop. He finally does his bear thing and ROOAARRS! That was all I needed to hear to start running. I headed downhill, I run faster that way. I ran for as long as I could. I didn't know it but the bear didn't chase me at all. He decided to go get cleaned up.

By the time I stopped running I was lost. "So this is how it happens." I thought. I remembered reading an article about the two main dangers of being lost in the wilderness without survival skills. The first danger is freezing by 3:00am and the second danger is getting eaten by raccoons. Really raccoons, mountain lions only eat people under 4'0" tall.

I figured there's no way I'm going to freeze to death because I am a good dancer. Dancing the way I do is hot! I use my hot moves and I'll make it through the night. About 2:00am and I am dancing the night away. About 2:50am mentally I am putting solid gold to shame but in reality I am moving in slow motion. My body stopped moving at 2:59am while I was in mid gyration, with my lips puckered to show my sexiness.

Now while I was trying to save my life with hot slow motion salsa dancing, a band of raccoons passed by. They were returning from a party at the lake and they had a serious case of the munchies. One of the raccoons said "Hey look, a human, what luck. Let's eat him." They started discussing how good the last person they found frozen in the woods tasted. Another raccoon shouted "I get his ass!" He ran up to me and bit me in the ass.

That was enough for me to jump up again and start running. I was screaming too. I ran about 100 yards when I reached a road. There was a Denny's right there. Lucky me My one survival skill saved my life. Man I can run. That is the last time I am going to the zoo.

The Cult of Personality

2010-01-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

It's already ten days into 2010 and nobody has invited me to join a cult yet this year. I was close, I was invited to a dinner party. Sadly the folks were "normal" and presently were not involved with a cult. I asked. I am somewhat disappointed as I am regularly solicited to join.

Cult members like the fact that I am enthusiastic. They say to themselves, that I would make a fantastic addition to their membership roster. When someone in a cult recommends me, it says allot about the quality of people who are asked and do join. So cult members keep asking, I do appreciate it.

I wouldn't mind belonging to a cult. But I have discriminating tastes. For example, I cannot join a cult that requires celibacy. I made that rule when I was fifteen and it has been in my personal cult rules for decades. My mother brought home two women dressed in white sheets. This was the luckiest day of my life. Two women wearing togas in my living room. Usually I was trying to avoid my parents guests but today they had my complete attention.

Mother had invited these wandering apostles home for supper. They told their tales of faith, and the second coming of Jesus who had changed his name to Jerry the dessert guy. All I could think of was how I could belong to this cult where beautiful women travelled the land in sheets. I was ready when they mentioned the rules... Everyone had to be celibate. If there were some woman that needed a man Jerry took care of them but the men had a higher standard. I was heartbroken, they did ask "Are you ready little brother?" Sadly, I took my adolescent tumescence and turned away. I was unaware that that would be the first of many offers to join a cult.

I was asked to join the the folks down at Jones town, and the day I was going to leave I got asked to join the Unification church. So I passed on Jonestown (dodged a bullet on that one). I was about to join the 'moonies' when Heavens Gate left a flier on my door. Scientology, Mormons, Buddhists, Hare Krishnas, every time I was asked I had prior commitments and couldn't sign on.

They all had such wonderful opportunities I just couldn't decide. Presently I am leaning towards becoming a Rastafarian because I really like their fashion sense with the very cool hats. They are not going to ask you to drink poison Kool aid or stop you from exploring your sexuality. I just can't seem to grow dreadlocks and no one has even asked me if I want to join.

So maybe its a temporary slump or my enthusiastic aura is waning. Are there any quality cults that are looking to recruit new members? I have an open mind.

Happy New Year

2010-01-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

2010 and I'm excited! I came up with an ECO-friendly idea regarding my new years resolutions. I will recycle last years resolutions! They haven't changed at all. I have intense pressure to lose weight, stay sober and be more productive. because I want to be thin and wealthy. By recycling last years resolution I am proving to the world that I am doing my part to lower my carbon debt. If I keep this up, I may be sorting my trash soon.

I am trying to work out to jump start my weight loss. However the lines are long right now for the treadmills. So I have to stand behind someone with a large ass and watch them walk uphill jamming to 1940 showtunes. It's 6:00 am who has time for this? I know when its my turn, I start feeling a little uneasy and have the urge to keep looking back over my shoulder to see who's waiting on me. I always end up next to the petite woman who sets the treadmill at 10mph and proceeds to run 10 miles. My feelings have become a tapestry of paranoid inadequecy along with the physical strain of moving. It is no wonder why I usually workout once a year.

Eating right means eating smaller portions. If God did not want us to eat so much, He wouldn't have made yummy food. Don't you agree? I try to eat less and when I leave the table after one serving of yumminess, I don't feel happy, in fact I feel like I am denying myself such a simple pleasure that eating is no longer fun.

I've worked out and ate like an refuge from some starving country, now I feel like crap. I do know how to make a crappy feeling better, drink beer. That's right I have to self medicate because life is too short to feel like crap. Hmmmm maybe I should change my resolutions so I don't have to keep up this charade of self improvement.

My new resolution will be; I will be the best fat lazy drunken slob that I can be for 2010. Now that is something I can feel good about doing. It will put a damper on being ECO-friendly, but there is always next year.

Easy as ABC

2009-12-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

A winter's day in a deep and dark december...much like today.Years ago a question was posed to me. At first glance I didn't give it much thought. Lately I find myself thinking about it more and more. I will ask you the very same question now; how easy is love to do? Pretty simple question, but love is complicated. One dictionary had 26definitions. That means love isn't going to be very easy to do. Easy means "involving little difficulty or discomfort". I don't know about you but 26 definitions was way more than I bargained for, so I am going with this; a "profoundly tender, passionate affection". Easy takes the path of least resistance. That means if I don't give it to much thought, I can argue that ABC is easy. 123 is easy and that's how easy love can be.

Please tell me if you do not recognize these letters...A B C...Of course you recognize them they are easy! I bet not one of you struggled to figure it out. These building blocks of our language can be arranged in certain orders that create statements that are difficult to figure out. Check out this quote from Orson Squire Fowler’s pseudo-scientific Phrenological Almanac:
“Nature’s Printing Press is Man. Her types are Signs, her books are Actions.”
Ummmm okay I am not sure what that means so that is difficult to me. Not ABC, that's easy!

One more question, do you know what these numbers are? 1, 2, 3. These are the first few numbers of an infinite number line. They are the foundation of fundamental and theoretical mathematics. Some of those problems can be so complex and difficult that they inflict pain into your frontal lobes. 123 is easy. Anyone can count to three. Even if you had stumps instead of hands; left stump =1, head =2, and right stump =3. 123 is so easy that you could glance at them for less than a second while juggling and still call out the numbers. Juggling takes skill and concentration. It is difficult. 123 is easy!

Love works much the same way the letters and numbers do. Sure it can get complicated with physical and theoretical problems to solve. Love can be extremely difficult to do, especially with people you hate. With all its definitions, still the description of love isn't quite adequate. Love is so complicated, how can it be easy to do?

Look at a toddler, when its mother walks into a room. Look at two brand new lovers strolling together. They are so involved in the process of doing love that it is unconscious and it flows without effort. Some famous rock group said "There's nothing you can do that can't be done...its easy...All you need is love." I know it wasn't the Monkees...Do love by choosing to be affectionate and cheerful. It doesn't cost anything to smile. Its easy! Easy as ABC, 123, that's how easy love can be.
Happy Holidays!

Willfullness

2009-12-16T12:17:00.000-08:00

My three year old daughter should be in sales. She displays some very fundamental means of influence well. That and never really hearing me say "no". If I say "no" with a frown, she stops and tells me to "put a smile on my face" then proceeds with her task of influencing me.

It can be a question like "do you want to come play with me in my room?" It depends sometimes its a great time to play with a toddler in their bedroom and pulling out all the toys. Sometimes its 8:30 in the evening and the last thing in the world I want to do is play in the bedroom.

She will toddle on over to me and ask "Daddy, do you want to play with me in my bedroom?" "No baby not tonight", I answer knowing that soon this child is going to go tattle on me to her mother for being MEAN. She asks again and again I say "no". Again and again and again she asks the same question. Any chance of relaxation is gone. I can feel myself starting to cry, "why do you want to play now?"

She starts to lose her patience and yells at me,"Let's play Now!" She cannot believe that I do not like her idea of playing in the bedroom. I think that I am hearing the question from my daughter at three, a question that will cause me severe anxiety when she asks that to someone else when she is 18 years old.

What happened to the days when fear was a good behavioral tactic. I could threaten her with something...anything...I'll tell Santa not to come, but I always end up lying on the floor in my daughters room while she plays with all of her toys. I hope she starts selling.

I better get some Long Term Care Insurance.

2009-12-09T15:06:00.000-08:00

You know I am now middle aged. Someday I am going to get corralled into some Nursing Home. If I am out of my mind with dementia, that's going to be a good time. I will be an Id. No need to put on airs here. I won't be responsible for walking past the visitors wearing just a shirt. Now matter how much fun it sounds like to me, I am not yet that uninhibited.

Maybe I'll just be tired and want to sit all day. Park my ass on the front of the building so I can watch everybody do what they do. I hope I don't drool to much, but if I do please put a bib on me. maybe the hot nurses assistant will feed me today. Everyday is an adventure. Oh damn, its the nurse. I can't outrun her, hell I don't even want to try. I guess I'll answer the questions...not yet...not yet...no. I didn't have a bowel movement at least I don't thinks so. I turned down the laxative today, it is a delicate balance of fiber and stool softener that make a happy resident.

I had an uncle in the nursing home. He had a stroke that left him a little gimped up. He was young in the Nursing Home only mid fifties so the little old ladies wondered just how gimped up he was. I heard the ladies talking about them being willing to get past the whole left side thing and check out whether other parts were working. Turns out my uncle became quite popular. He had six girlfriends. It took him all day to make his rounds but he was always smiling and come to think of it so were the ladies.

Living to be a geriatric sex symbol, that is my goal. I think I could pull it off. Older people are just not as picky. Since we have pills that will make wood, there are some unlikely sex symbols. I am going to wear only a robe with my wife beater tee shirt and blue striped boxers underneath. I will have the black patent leather shoes and garter straps for my socks. I will have a large gold anchor on a chain for my bling. Look out Ladies!

The golden years, I just want to make sure I live them to the highest potential.

A modern day 'gold' rush!

2009-12-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

Isn't life funny? We have had collapses of corporate giants, failure of the revamped financial system to jump start our economy and still allot of unemployment. What is absolutely crazy is the medical marijuana business in Colorado. Dispensaries are up and running, potheads are finally able to 'medicate' with their personal drug of choice.

It has made some entrepreneurs out of the most unlikely business executives. I was talking with the CEO of an incorporated dispensary and he was pulling in greater than $24000.00 gross per week. I have heard the same things regarding other dispensaries. There is a mad scramble to sell medical marijuana. What does a dispensary look like? Very busy, administering to the needs of good citizens who prefer pot to hydrocodone for pain management or other cursed ailment that can be effectively treated by marijuana. It was interesting meeting the "caregivers". The range was professional corporation to the one man operation offering quality product at reasonable prices.

The boom proves that people will pay a premium for medical grade marijuana. If the federal government ever caught on to the money that could be made in tax revenue, they would make it 100% legal and put the pot into a category from the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms division. Imagine Dino the neighborhood pothead, now a corporate icon. Doing what he loves to do and that is growing marijuana. He was doing it before it was legal and now that it is sort of legal, he can have some healthy plants growing without worrying about the local authorities confiscating his livelyhood. Dino is about to be a legitimate wealthy businessman.

Well we will surely see what becomes of this mad rush to wealth. Who knows maybe there will be a "pot" option for our new revamped healthcare plan.

The Cost of Convenience

2009-11-23T17:12:00.000-08:00

Looking around I see intelligent, industrious people. Usually being intelligent and industrious means being very busy. Life is moving so fast that anything that saves time and money is welcome. We are all looking for convenience. According to Ted Gladson in an article written in 1990 and still remarkably relevant today, "Consumers expect to pay for convenience." We do pay for it, sometimes we don't realize just how much we pay.

The cost of convenience is expensive. Marketing strategies include making us feel the pain of having no time to deal with whatever situation that they are going to save us from. Then they solve our dilemma and behold a light from heaven shines down and we have more time/money. Hallelujah! Three examples of expensive convenience are;
1. The convenience of not thinking for yourself.
2. The convenience of prepackaged preprocessed favorite foods
3. The convenience of avoiding late fees to pay your credit card by phone.
According to Mr. Gladson, we evaluate individually whether or not the cost is worth pursuing.

Some of the hardest work we do is thinking. My goodness everyone expects me to have an opinion on everything. Thinking takes time. I know how to avoid weighing the pluses against the minuses. I really do not need to think at all when I can google or yahoo or even bing any subject. I will get the top ten reasons to... or three ways to ...(You fill in the blanks). I can be told how to think thus saving me time and energy to apply somewhere else.

I searched for opinions regarding:ECONOMICS, PET CARE, GOVERNMENT ISSUES and GLOBAL WARMING. The average amount of opinions available was 84,525,000. I will have to decide between the top three listed because I am trying to save time. I hope those opinions make me look intelligent.

The most popular result regarding the cost of convenience search was in the realm of nutrition. An article from the Arizona Republic called, oddly enough, "The Cost of Convenience" explained that the general public was essentially unaware of what convenience actually cost us. It was unclear by the posting who actually wrote the article, which is too bad because I learned a thing or two from reading it. For example sliced apples cost $74.84 per hour for someone else to cut them. Did you know that cooked frozen sausage costs more but required the same preparation time as fresh sausage? I didn't.

The article went on to explain the differences in cost versus time ratio when comparing prepackaged prepared items to items made from scratch. The results were mixed but the bottom line showed consumers were willing to pay greater than three times more for the convenient versions of their favorite items. These prepackaged items had less nutritional value and less flavor. The cost for this convenience was in dollars, taste and nutrition for more time.

What else takes time? Paying bills takes time. This isn't even enjoyable time. We already established that we are way to busy to think or cook, let alone pay our bills. There is no time to waste. Luckily for us, the credit card companies have found a way to make paying them convenient, especially if you are going to be late. These fine companies have found a solution for instant gratification, the over the telephone payment option.

Imagine that you have waited until the last minute to pay your credit card bill. If you send it now, it will cost another $40.00 in late charges. You can avoid that by calling in your payment. It will cost you only $15.00. You will save $25.00, isn't that wonderful? Your creditors going the extra mile to make life a little bit easier for you. For more information regarding creditors and fees visit billshrink.com .

The question is, Is convenience cheap? No way, we pay a very high price when something comes with the label convenient. Most of the time the true price of convenience is hidden in the consequences of not paying attention. We are drifting aimlessly and reacting to life instead of planning appropriately. As long as we are distracted the marketing of convenience will be effective.

It is not convenient to think for yourself or prepare your own food or even plan your finances. It is up to you to decide whether the cost of convenience is a fair price to pay.

Tips on saving dollars…

2009-11-18T10:30:00.000-08:00

Retail Banks will market convenience and you will pay dearly for one stop shopping. It is wise as consumers to be a customer at more than one bank. The big banks offer free checking and that is really all they are good for. Their savings accounts don’t pay interest worth mentioning. In fact, none of their interest bearing accounts will amount to much as far as interest is concerned.

I have been in the banking industry for many years. The customers with the most money saved actually took the time to shop interest rates. They moved their money around to the banks that offered the most attractive rates. No one at Wells Fargo wants to discuss CD rates with you because they are so terrible. Their savings accounts are the same way. However there are community banks that are paying better interest for savings accounts, money markets and CDs.

Here is a tip on saving money that works every time. Have a savings account in a community bank that is separate from the bank that has your checking account. Also do not get online access to these funds. I think a savings account should be inconvenient to access, that way you won’t touch those funds unless it is absolutely necessary.

If you have been saving and want the money for a future event such as a wedding, put the money into a CD at a community bank. The interest will be more attractive and you will have access to the funds at maturity. If you time it right, you will have the funds available right when you need them. If things change in your life and the funds are not needed you can go ahead and reinvest into another attractive interest bearing CD.

A little bit of effort will pay much better than convenience. $100.00 in a savings account at a large retail bank will cost you $4.00/month because it is less than the required minimum of $300.00. The same amount at a community bank with a $100.00 minimum presently pays about 1.0% compared to 0.15% at the big banks. So doing the math; $100.00 deposit at a large retail bank will cost $48.00/year in below minimum fees then pay you 0.15% interest on your balance which would be about $0.07 for the year. Compare that to earning $1.00 for the year at a community bank.

Let us figure the minimum $300.00 payoff at the large retail banks. You would earn $0.45 for the year, As opposed to the $3.00 annual interest payout for the smaller community bank. I know 1% isn’t a lot of interest. However these banks historically have higher interest rates than your national McBank. The super banks say it is because their deposits reserves are so high. They really don’t need or want your savings accounts unless you keep them below the minimums and they can take your money.

Over the years, I have watched people turn modest amounts of money into substantial sums by shopping interest rates and putting their funds into the banks or credit unions that are paying the best return. Sometimes interest rates are not so good like today, but doing the best you can with what you have is a worthwhile practice. Start today, call your local banks and see what they have to offer. Then move your funds to the best account that is available. Every six months check around. You will be surprised at the offers that are available.

This is a wonderful lesson for children. If you have a savings account for your children or grandchildren then time is on your side. You really can get good deals on savings accounts. The payoff is worth the effort. Good luck.

Do banks have your best interest in mind?

2009-11-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

Only if your making your interest payments. The sole purpose of the retail banking industry is to take your money from you. This purpose has caused the failures of some banks. They became greedy and over extended themselves with creative bookkeeping. Other banks such as Wachovia, Wells Fargo, US Bank and Bank of America have been more subtle with their approach to taking your money.

The marketing will always say just how much these banks care about you and your finances. I have personally witnessed many horrendous acts of the banks stealing from their customers in the name of convenience. All kinds of people such as the elderly and single mothers working very hard just to survive have had excessive overdraft fees applied to their account. This is the bread and butter of the retail banking industry.

What is excessive? How about the fees incurred when the available balance goes below zero, then when the actual balance goes below zero these fees are applied again. The banks hope you will not notice and if you do they may refund a portion of those fees.

The fees are applied per transaction, for instance if you went below zero by $10.00 but it was $2.00 at a time you could be charges upwards of $175.00 and that could equal $350.00 with the double overdraft fee accounting system in place. If you complain the banker will do you a favor by refunding half the fees because after it was your fault for over drafting your account. So that $2.00 cup of coffee actually cost you $2.00 plus $35.00 for the privilege of banking with you friendly retail bank.

Bonuses are paid to bank managers for retaining fees. The skill required to work as a branch manager is to be able to look someone in the eye and tell them, “Your money is now our money.” Bonus money paid from excessive fees. The banks are raking in our dollars by the bucket loads. This is a main reason why a retail bank can boast a profit while the rest of the economy is falling apart.

If you complain about these excessive fees, well you could apply for overdraft protection. It sounds like extortion to me. Overdraft protection is a line of credit that charges 21-29% interest for your balance. The fee for the transfer can run anywhere from $2.00-$10.00 depending on the bank. That is the selling point. The transfer is always an excessive amount. If you overdraft $50.00, well you will get $100.00-$200.00 advance. If you keep a balance on your overdraft line of credit for one year then you will have paid the bank $23.00 at the minimum. This is the protection offered from banks to protect you from their creative bookkeeping.

The creative ways in which the deposits are credited against the debits generally favor the likelihood that you will be charged an overdraft fee. The ways the debits and credits are applied are not uniform across the board. If you are in a “Metro” market the debits are removed before the deposits are credited. However a “community” market will credit the deposit before applying debits. It’s nice to know that these banks are looking out for our best interest.

I Am

2009-10-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

I was thinking this morning deep thoughts about God. Well I thought they were deep and I don't really like to think to hard about anything. However there I was thinking. I was contemplating the name "I Am". That is God's name according to Moses. "I Am" is a wonderful beginning to many affirmations. I am strong, I am healthy, I am wealthy...etc. This started a series of random thoughts regarding my understanding of God.

For instance, God created mankind in Their Image. In Genesis the verse says "Then God said "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness..." (Genesis 1:26 NIV). So "I Am" could be I Am diverse and I Am pleural. This messes with my corporate view of religion and what the CEO of any given pulpit says what God wants from me. I am created in one of God's images. Lately the intolerant views of religions, I mean all of them, really bother me. The world's history of religious warfare is sickening. Really was it ever about God?

God is "I Am" then He is everything. We can not ignore "I Am" war, "I Am" hate. When we know this, it becomes a matter of focus and expectation. If you focus on intolerance and expect wrath this will be manifested by the individuals created in God's image. However to focus on love, goodwill and mutual benefit and expect it, these too will manifest from individuals created in God's image. Recently I read about some experiments regarding Quantum Physics. The scientists were working on particle/wave functions of electrons. Basically (I do mean basically, these guys are smart) the outcome was affected by the expectation of the scientist. This may have much to do with how we create our reality. Pure pontential here.

I changed my thought process to contemplate the "Unified Field" of the new Physics. There is a mathematical formula that has broken down all the laws, forces, and beliefs into a "bottom line".
Everything that Physics has declared as laws can be derived from this formula. What this means to the average guy like myself is that we all come from one source. We are all connected to that source, everything. Hmmmm if that is the case then I am ...everything. When we break the levels down to the Unified Field as the physicist call it. Wow...Moses really did talk with God and God's name is "I Am."

I really don't feel like...

2009-10-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like staying in bed, instead of getting up and going to work? I know I have. I ended up going to work anyway. Usually on the commute in, I have forgotten about the misery of having to leave my bed. I am focusing on whatever agenda I have planned for the day. Okay here is another question, have you ever felt like doing anything else but what you need to be doing? For example, I need to call and make three new contacts but I really feel like cleaning up my desk. How do you handle the situation?

Procrastination...ugh! I suffer from it more often than I'd like to admit. I have read numerous books on the subject. Still I find myself putting off tasks that I know would yield success. If I asked Tony Robbins, he would probably say that my reasons weren't strong enough and that the pleasure I get from doing nothing outweighs the pain I get from putting off these tasks. I guess he is right. I mean I didn't put off going to work, when I really didn't fell like getting out of bed. I guess the pain of being unemployed outweighed the pleasure of continuing my adventures in dreamland.

Brian Tracey says that it's better to go ahead and just "eat the frog." The frog being the symbol of an unpleasant task that needs to be done. I don't know about that. I am never going to eat a whole frog. I have tried frog legs and they were yummy, but something about the rest of the frog makes me a little queasy at the thought. I know its the point that counts so I am changing the symbol from a frog to beets. I am not a big fan of beets but I will eat one if I have too.

I am totally in awe of people who are industrious and produce outrageous results in their lives. I know of one person who was a world class judo player, all the while going to school earning a PhD, and producing quality items to sell. His operation was well run. I am willing to bet he overcame his issues with procrastination. It really is impressive.

I know I can manifest anything that I can imagine. I believe that. Allot of people, even me, miss the one part of manifestation that is a requirement. ACTION! I can imagine a ton of money in my bank account. It will not get there unless I put my imagination into a plan of action then implement that plan. Oh man, I guess I got to do some work so I can get that ton of money I am imagining right now. I just don't feel like it...

Self Discipline is such a bad word.

2009-10-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

I guess it doesn't have to be a bad word, but it does seem to be the case with people I know. I hear it all the time, "If I had more self discipline I would be skinny AND rich." Me too. These things that take self discipline are difficult because we demand immediate gratification. I am too busy to be bothered working out. I know the little unpleasantness of the workout will pay huge dividends with a longer life and a sleeker sexier me. I can't afford to save now because I am too busy making payments to my masters/creditors. I know saving money now will keep me from eating dogfood later in life when my earning capacity has diminished...I know. You know it too.

We get caught up in now. There is no time to plan out an ideal life when we are trying to negotiate now. Job + kids + Bills = no time! That is just one equation another might be, Job + video game + TV = no time. There is nothing wrong with any of these activities. We just get caught up and the little bit of time here or there does add up.

It is interesting that if we save a little bit from each paycheck, that over time it adds up to a substantial amount. The same is true of working out, a little bit over a long period of time will reap large benefits as well. Actually anything that requires a little time invested consistently will payoff with increased skill and knowledge in that area.

I am going to test that theory and apply a little bit of consistent effort to become skinny AND rich. I'll let you know how it goes.